Best songs in tv shows: It's the Gremmies!

What do you mean, you've never heard of them before? Have you been living in a box (1)?

The Gremmies are long-standing awards for songs in television shows that I definitely haven't just made up. They recognise excellence in song-writing and performance and only consider material that originated on the show. No soundtracks, no covers, only original songs performed by a character on the show, qualify. There's no 'first prize' either- we're not base (2) enough to keep score (3). The award is like a badge of recognition, to be shared equally. This week we cover vocal performances. Up next are the Gremmies for instrumental performances but we'll cross that bridge (4) when we come to it. A caveat: remember that even the most entertaining nomination-snippets can't convey everything that made that scene great. And no matter how funny a song's lyrics are, a lot of the humour comes from the situation, the character, the audience. So if you recognise the songs, or feel you want to check them out, watch the episode to do them justice. But I can see you trilling with impatience already (5); don't quaver (6), we'll announce this year's recipients in a minuet [sic] (7). This edition has picked three songs as being superlative, symbols (8) of the musical talent in the television industry. Lifetime Achievement Award holder Phoebe Buffay- famous for smash hits such as Your Love (Is like a Giant Pigeon), The Woman Smelled Like Garbage and the blockbuster video Smelly Cat- will do the honours. The recipients of the Andante Con Spirito (like Dante on booze) are:

Freelove Freeway

David Brent, The Office

Oh, the inappropriateness of a boss hijacking someone else's staff meeting to sing suggestive songs to a guitar that he went home during office hours to fetch. David Brent has just finished singing Colourblind (it's 'racial'), and gets started on this one. It's a peppy tune with catchy lyrics but sung to a sea of glum faces. And just as he's getting into the groove, faithful sidekick Gareth Keenan chimes in with unwanted back-up vocals:

I got some- Hot love on the hot love highway/

Now I'm goin' home cause my baby's gone/ (She's dead) She's not dead.

Have a listen: from 15.44. Series 1, Episode 4. As a bonus, here's the longer studio version (She said Por Favor/ Can you pump me up/I said Muchos Gracias/and Adios).

In The Moonlight (Do Me)
Dylan, Modern Family

It's the first time Dylan the Boyfriend is meeting the extended family. There's just been a violent quarrel, Dylan's helped resolve it, things are looking up. So he decides to sing a song he wrote for the daughter of the house. It starts off romantic ('The stars are falling from the sky') and then he takes it up a notch as the camera spans the room, reminding us who's watching: parents, grandparents, uncles...

Cause maybe baby/ I just wanna do you, do you/ Do you wanna do me, do me/ Underneath the moonlight, moonlight.

Have a listen: Season 1, Episode 4. Here's the moment. 

It Ain't Easy Being White or Brown

Gob and Franklin, Arrested Development

It's only a four-line song but each one is solid ebony and ivory. Gob and Franklin nail the always-difficult ventriloquist/dummy duet as they lay bare the Human Condition. Gob does the soulful white-guy singing parts, Franklin takes on the pained yelping of the Ethnic Minority. In our other entries, the audience is a large part of what makes the songs funny. In this, our sole member of audience- Studio Guy- has made his exit before the song is over.

It ain't being white/ It ain't easy being brown/ All this pressure to be bright/ I got children all over town.

Have a listen: Season 2, Episode 18. Again, no decent clips from the episode itself but here's the disembodied song. --

What do you think? Any omissions? It's a long way to the top (9) but we have some Spirito Con Andante (booze, drunk at a leisurely pace) titles left in the bag. Coming soon: The Gremmies for instrumental performances.

Shows I love

The shows I've watched can be neatly arranged by provenance, specifically the UK and the US. I've watched very little television that's not made in one of these two places and practically none of those are worth mentioning.

I don't want to do a ranked list of my favourite shows because it's too boring and solemn. So here's a list without numbers (a nifty invention of mine), along with the precise moment I was hooked. The nine I've picked represent my preferences quite well so I hope the odd number doesn't making you tense (1).

Arrested Development: because there's always money in the banana stand. Though I was nearly there from the first time Lucille opened her elegant mouth ('Look what they've done, Michael! Look what these homosexuals have done to me!')

Doctor Who: Matt Smith's ridiculous hand-flail-wiggle-dance when saying hello to Amy Pond in Utah ('Did you see me?' 'Of course' 'Stalker!'). 'The Impossible Astronaut' was the first Who episode I watched. For all of the others shows, I started with the pilot.

Green Wing: How can you say no to opening credits like that? The shortest pitch any show has ever had to make to me.

Misfits: The first scene with the ASBO kids and the community support officer. It's beautifully framed: an unsightly group in bright orange jumpsuits against the dull backdrop of Thamesmead. To say nothing of Nathan's gobbiness.

Modern Family: Q: Why the face? A: It's Phil Dunphy, yo.

The Office (UK): Speaking of faces, David Brent's 'camera face' is genius. And the line? Only that niche genre in the music world of manager-rap: I can make that dream come true, too, AKA, for you.

The Office (US): I didn't like the pilot which is unsurprising because it was a scene-by-scene remake of the UK pilot. But one episode later, Michael Scott had his own camera face and his own dreams ( 'Why don't we go around and everybody, everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually...')

The Thick of It: 'I can see that you've all got very big stiff hard ons about this...', Teri says about seven and a half minutes into the pilot. A camera sweeps across the men, Glenn squeaks 'Teri!' and we're in the Boys' Club. Chris Langham's masterful delivery soon after of what is basically an MP's whine about his driver, finishes the job.

Yes Minister: It's trademark Humphrey Appleby: a long, confusing speech about private secretaries, private sectaries, under-secretaries. And then trademark Hacker: 'Can they all type?' Pause. 'None of us can type, Minister. Mrs Mackay types: she's the secretary.'

BBC's mini-series Sherlock is the only notable omission; with it's larger scope and budget, it's unfair to compare it with, say, Doctor Who which doesn't even have enough money to make an Atraxi spaceship not look like a crown for Miss Universe (2). Incidentally, Who is the only listed show I haven't watched all the episodes of. It's been on air since the beginning of time (3) and a lot of the 'classic series' is missing or difficult to find. I've watched some of it, though, and everything since the 2005 revival.

So there it is. Six from the UK (Arrested Development, Modern Family and The Office aren't); eight comedies (bar Who); only three currently on air (Who, Misfits, Modern Family). The plan is to write something about each of them at some point. Or will I?

The plot thickens like milk in a plot.